The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
