So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
