i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
