Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
