I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
