sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
