Capitaan dildo arrescate!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
