found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
