i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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