Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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