I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
