I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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