Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
