Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
