I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
