zippers are such a cool invention
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
