Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
