false alarm. still invincible.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
