The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
