i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
