The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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