i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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