Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
