the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
