Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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