This is not my ceiling
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
