I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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