I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
