why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
