just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
