If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
