im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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