Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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