Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
