just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
