I am midnight drunk by noon
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
