I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
