You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
