did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
