just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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