Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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