Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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