My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
