every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
