If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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