When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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