Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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