I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
