So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
