Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
